hiding_in_side: (Default)
I expect I started seriously reading in middle school.  I read more in high school, but my middle school had a decent library and I remember spending a lot of time there. I don't remember what I was reading other then it being paperback.  Probably 90% of the books I've ever written have been small mass-market paperbacks.  Being lighter and cheaper was probably why I had access to them.

Once high school came around I was reading several hundred pages a day.  I remember burning through a series of books in a week.  I’d wait with baited breath for my favorite authors next book, then devour it overnight.  Oddly enough I don't remember much of what my homework in high school was.  I remember a little more work in college, but I was still a reading machine.  Even when I had a full time job I would burn through maybe a book every week or two.  I can read a 300 page paperback in a few hours.  I remember doing it all the time. 

Then I lost my job.  I’ve read a few books since then, mostly ones my favorite authors released, or something I got from the library.  Overall the reading has dried up.  I haven’t been buying books because they have no resale value and even if I get a book from the library I sometimes just stare at it then return it.  I had a few weeks where I was purging belongings in case I might need to move and I donated 8 moving boxes full of books.  I still have hundreds left. 

Reading has become a waste of time.  I’ve read a few graphic design program manuals, and such but few pleasure fiction books. Reading fiction books makes me feel guilty and sometimes nauseous.  As if I could do something else at 11pm at night that might get me a job, or a paycheck.  I’ve been sort of reading fan fic instead, but I’m fooling myself.  That is just as much of a time waste as books, it might even be worse with all the digging and checking I sometimes have to do to see if there is anything new.  

This weekend I had to take a short train ride in-town and I brought a book.  I’m now 80 pages into the book and really want to finish.  It’s sitting on my bedside table hoping I’ll just sit down and open it.  I don’t know if I can.

I need to find a job, and then maybe some of the guilt will dissipate.     


Jan. 28th, 2011 04:11 pm
hiding_in_side: (Default)
I opened this account for two selfish reasons.  The first was just to track the many excellent stories I'm reading on live journal, without obsessively checking each link each day.  The second reason I only discovered after I signed up.  I intentionally set up this account without contact info, and without any of my standard e-mail addresses.  I don't want it attached to who I am in the real world.  I'd rather no one searching my e-mail address or name finds it.  I expect many people intentionally have this setup.

It occurred to me that this solves one of my recent problems.  Back in March I lost my job (internet company not enough business to keep me).  I had two months severance, went on unemployment for a while, and spent my time applying to jobs, or trying to brush up my out of date web design skills.  I redid my portfolio (three times) and included my blog as a design reference.  Suddenly I couldn't post personal information on it.  I had outed myself.  This has led to my blog being very slowly updated as a potential employer may see anything I put up.  No more rants about coding issues, or random complaints.  Those might reflect poorly on my prospects.  I may in the future change it back, or design something else as an example, but for now I've felt bottled up inside.

I can't post about dropping unemployment at the end on November and only buying food for the last two months.  I shouldn't post that I'm paying rent by doing manual labor or home repair for my landlord, or that I'm down to $800 or so dollars in my Savings Account.  I can't complain about minimum wage retail jobs that won't even call me.  I graduated college; I have decent interpersonal skills, how qualified do I have to be to work a register at Kohls?  Is there some giant glaring defect in my resume, or is the fact I won't list the 6 hellish weeks in August I worked at a pet store (never again) making it seem that I have not worked for 11 months and must be unemployable?

I shouldn't post about dropping my thermostat 5 more degrees and putting heat sources on the reptile cages for the first time in 6 years( I'm hoping electricity is cheaper then gas).  Graphic designers probably shouldn't admit that they hate advertising and are quickly deciding that the current world is so over commercialized it actually makes them feel sick sometimes (nothing like having no money to help you notice the buy buy buy mentality).  I don't think mentioning that my dog's food is almost 1/5 of the money a month I spend on food, or that I'm trying very hard to keep credit card debt from being another thing i have to pay every month. 

Random pictures of my dogs or repeated pictures of my other pets seem lazy for my blog now.  I feel like I need to go out and photograph everything just so that it can be posted on my blog, or stuck on my portfolio.  Mind you since I lost my job I have dropped the amount of photography I do by a huge margin.  Last summer was probably my slowest for photography in the last 5 years.  Which I find hugely depressing, but photos aren't making me any money, and when you're staring at your bank statement and wondering what you'll be eating next month it's hard to pull up creativity.  It's a viscous cycle. 

It never really bothered me the idea that everyone could read what was on my blog.  I expect if they did a small amount of research they could figure out who I am.  The upside of live journal however will be not telling anyone about it.  My mother reads my blog (everyone's mother peobably reads their blog) and that slightly limited what I would post.  I'm going to try hard to not let that happen here. 

Hopefully here I will find a place to stick my annoying thoughts without worrying a potential employer is picking over it with a fine-toothed comb.  I'm off to go finish obsessively setting alerts for transformers fan fiction now.  I refuse to feel weird about it. 


hiding_in_side: (Default)

February 2011

   1 2 34 5
6 7 89 101112


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 20th, 2017 05:48 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios